The amount of times I’ve started writing a piece only to leave it in my notes incomplete is comical. I’ve asked myself every week since giving birth if I’m ready to come back to my newsletter and every week I start writing and abruptly stop. I feel so ready and completely not at the same time.
Ten weeks into being a mom and I think the idea of coming back to anything is absurd. I’m not returning as I once was. Everything about me has changed.
And it’s all still so fresh. The shell has only just begun to crack and I can faintly see out into the world around me. Some days I’m full of joy for this life and everything new. Others I wonder who I was and how I’ll find myself again.
At the same time… nothings changed at all? I’m exactly myself and I’m a completely different person. I’m just as confused as you. How can those two things be happening at once. Which is why returning to anything feels foreign. Like I’m learning to walk with new legs.
I started this newsletter in response to having a miscarriage. I felt so lost and yearned to be a mom. But also to feel like I had a purpose bigger than myself and my fleeting desires. I wanted to feel taken care of and be able to take care of my family and future baby. Now, just over a year later, I’m holding that baby I dreamed about - the one that was destined for me - and I’ve never felt more taken care of in my life. My entire existence feels like so much more than me because it’s my job to sustain a baby’s life. Maybe it’s the natural reparenting that happens as you learn to parent your own child. Maybe it’s the mindset shift from being an independent person to becoming a home for another human. Whatever it is, I’m grateful to be here.
My birth was everything I didn’t want it to be and yet looking back it was exactly how it needed to be. My son, Elliot, was born late January and he’s completely changed my world. Or more so my internal world. Because everything about him just slid right into the life that existed. Not much has changed yet everything has changed.
Becoming a mom brings me back to one foundational truth I’ve always known but often forget. Self trust is everything. Being able to cut through the noise on what’s right and what’s wrong and simply listen to my body and witness my son’s cues is my greatest challenge and delight. In a lot of ways I feel like I’ve been preparing my entire adult life to be here - wading through it all to uncover the simple things that make my little family feel taken care of.
I can’t quite tell if my goals have changed. I’m not entirely certain what I want to be doing with my days. I feel lost and grounded and spend a lot of days floating between. But I know there’s no returning. There’s no coming back to what once was. It’s comforting that women have been doing this since the dawn of time. And I have to wonder how anyone created an idea of bouncing back to anything when you’re transformed and raw and new to everything.
So this is it. I’m back and I have no idea who I am and I’m more confident then I’ve ever been and I’m confused as all get out and it’s perfect and it’s parenthood.
The overnight oats I live on
I know, overnight oats… boring and overdone. But listen I need something quick and dependable because I wake up feeling hallow. These are packed with nutrients and they’re unreal. I’ve had them every single day for 2 months and counting. I don’t say that lightly and I’m not one to be that consistent. But alas, I make a big serving for the week - about 2-3x the below measurements.
The absolute hack to the best texture and most satisfying bowl is blending your oats. Not mandatory but it takes this from good to insane real quick. Pulse a big batch of oats at once so you have them pre ground for your next batch
1 cup ground Oats
2 tbsp Chia seeds
1/4 cup Flax meal
2 tbsp Hemp seeds
A healthy dash of cinnamon
2-3 cups Almond milk or whatever milk you love (depending on your desired texture - I fill the container to the brim so as much milk as I can fit and I add more milk in my bowl each morning because I can only fit so much in the container - everything in this bowl soaks up milk so I find you can never add too much)
Let sit overnight in the fridge. When ready to eat mix with a heap of nut butter, some frozen blueberries, and a little more almond milk. I warm my bowl up in the microwave and top it with a dash of maple syrup.
Thank you so much for being here. Especially my paid subscribers who not only stuck around but renewed their membership while I was nowhere to be found. Your support means everything.
Inevitably this newsletter feels like it’ll evolve. Into what I don’t know but the topics will shift because I’ve shifted. Maybe it’ll feel drastic but it also might feel exactly the same because it’s still about creating - projects, life, and otherwise. I’ll be cooking and I’ll continue making and while writing currently feels weird and vulnerable I’ll always have something to say. So maybe it won’t change at all.
my nephew was born two weeks after my baby and watching the two of them grow up together is the greatest gift that’ll keep on giving!
I’m getting back into sourdough because I’ve been influenced by a favorite internet follow who shared a no fuss starter recipe - my starter is 3 days old I’ll keep you posted.
Turns out my boy is currently sensitive to proteins in cows milk so I’m dairy free for now and while that’s not all too exciting the limitation created absurd inspiration and my level of experimenting has tripled in the kitchen.
I joined planet fitness once I was cleared to workout and I share this because I always overlooked the cheap gym option and I haven’t felt this comfortable in the gym since college so it’s a real game changer.
Contact naps are everything and for everyone in my house. I follow no sleep rules. I don’t believe in bad habits or that there’s such a thing as spoiling your baby - more on that another time.
The secret to the best chicken salad is shredding your chicken to near bits. It creates the smoothest texture and I can’t stop making it. I bake the chicken at 425 then shred it in the food processor and mix with mayo and seasonings.
I binged all 10 seasons of Vanderpump Rules while Elliot was baking in my belly and now we’re watching season 11 in real time and I’m thoroughly enjoying my trashy reality TV era (if it’s not that, it’s young adult TV and I also love that for us).
Immersion blenders were a kitchen gadget I always felt unnecessary. But quite literally it changes the game when you’re into making sauces (which I now make so many of to compensate for the lack of dairy). I borrowed my mom’s and now I need to buy my own because I’m obsessed and will never go without one again.